A matter of Concern

I got up twice last night in pain and popped some pain killers ( after of course cleaning my mouth with salt water etc etc because it just feels like garbage all the time). I miss my Mom now and all I need in the world is to be with her right now. Of all the people I know, the one most concerned right now is my Mom and I for sure know that the concern is genuine. Actually she is concerned all the time but i brush it off when i don't need it and go for it when I do. Is that a matter of concern?

(sometime in Fall'10)

Still Sick...

...and it sucks even more. Its been about more than a week that I am sick and my body doesn't seem to be doing anything to recover as the doctor "wisely" suggested. I think my immune system is taking a nice little vacation of its own when an army of invaders is at its door steps. Actually no, the army of invaders is looting its country and making its inhabitants miserable. As I lie in this bed trying to be positive, I think of my immune system to be a race horse which won't let me down. But its hard to think of it that way for long. My race horse is just lying on its back on the ground at the start line refusing to move or budge and doesn't listen to me anymore. and as I keep thinking , I think I have decided to marry a good general physician who would take care of me whenever I am sick. That way I needn't make an appointment or call or listen to crap like your body will react fast and take care of the infection.

All this might make me sound like a sissy but in my defense I have had a burning mortar in my throat for the past 6 days, had only hot liquids and no real food. All this while having to worry about assignments and projects and midterms. Being sick sucks. School sucks. Being sick at school..... my vocabulary is limited.

Sick.

Sick for the first time in the US and hows the feeling? Well obviously not very good. My tonsils are white with infection and my head hurts. I feel weak. Part of the reason obviously being sick and part of it due to the fact that swallowing anything hard is painful. The cold makes the infected tonsils hurt even more. Long story short, I am in misery. All the doctor says is that he is giving pills to make me feel comfortable. my ass. He prescribed a bunch of pain killers which 5 different ones for every six hours which could effectively put me to sleep the whole day ( which I obviously cannot afford to).
Side effects of being sick:
1. Thinking about home.
2. Rethinking about the whole concept of isolation.
3. Evaluating people's reactions.
4. Thinking about when the entire thing comes to end.
5. 1 thru 4 should have already suggested this 5th thing which is not getting any work done.

Dunno what to do with myself

Undergrad - thought its too early to have clarity
Masters - Wandering hopelessly in a desperate search for clarity
PhD ???
What do I want to do ? I dunno.
I was happy with that answer for far too long.
Its starting to get frustrating now.

H.*ness

Hopelessness and Happiness. Happiness in Hopelessness. There's one episode in Seinfeld where George says, " I am hopeless. I am so hopeless that I am now happy being hopeless. In fact hopelessness is my only hope for being happy now". I think the concept is interesting and I think it works too. I think the one thing that is better than hope is hopelessness. It can't be that devastating if it is taken in the right spirit. It might sound crazy but in my opinion one can find happiness in hopelessness. Well, I do. And No, I am not depressed. And No again, I am not a sad person.

Back on Track

After 2 weeks of restlessness and laziness, am finally back on track with my running. 7.1 miles with raised inclination in the last one mile. Well, a productive afternoon. A pat on the back for myself.

ED 101

Yesterday, I had been to the Big Trees Rail Road at Santa Cruz. It's a very good fun place for old people and people with little kids (Translate it as "Not for me"). Anyways, the picture of a boiler for the steam engine brought back memories of Engineering Drawing class which we had to take as Freshmen at my Undergrad College, IITM.

We had a one hour theory class and a 3 hour drawing class every week. So we were supposed to listen to the class(!) and then learn the stuff and draw it in the drawing class(can't help but be vague for I don't remember anything). For me it meant run(literally) to the theory class 15 min late and doze off. As for the drawing class, all credit goes to the only other female and my best buddy in the class, Neeharika. She used to give me a running commentary of what she was doing and I used to follow her. That meant drawing a line if she did and erasing it if she did it. Wouldn't have survived without her. Final exam was enlightening to say the least :).

I miss those days.

Saint Ralph

Last two weeks have been really bad for my running. The previous ones were good in the sense every time I ran I increased my distance by 1 mile and I came up to 7.1 miles in 65 min on the treadmill with zero degree inclination. I believe its much harder to run outside but I do think I have this mental block and can train much harder if I am in the gym. Lately I have been getting too restless and unable to run as I was able to before. Hopefully will get back on track before its too late. To get some motivation, I started watching some sports dramas and came across the movie "Saint Ralph". The movie is based on the true story of a 14 year old who believes he can win the Boston marathon, thereby perform a miracle and get his mom out of coma. The innocence of the kid is well portrayed. The things that struck me were:

1. The kid believed he can win the marathon.

2. He trained hard, every day, not missing a single day of practice.

3. At the starting of the movie, he was known in the town as a wanker but by the end he was known for his running. Bottom line, he doesn't care what people think.

4. There isn't an iota of self pity on the part of the boy.

Now, this is starting to look vaguely familiar as the moral of the story we had to write after each story in our English textbook in our third grade. So I better stop.

Favorite dialogue from the movie : "It wasn't God. It was the bump on your head." :)

Self Pity

Just finished watching the movie G.I. Jane by Ridley Scott. The movie is a good watch but just not too good. Anyways, there's this poem by D.H. Lawrence which comes up in the movie more than once which is gonna stay on my wall for quite some time.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.

PS: Talking of movies, saw this movie "The boy in striped pyjamas" yesterday. Do yourself a favour and watch the movie.

Morning!

So I woke up too early this morning and came to work for no real reason ( When I come to think of it may be it was because of the disturbed sleep I had last night). Came across these interesting quotes:

"Good Morning is a contradiction of terms" - Jim Davis

" Never work before breakfast. If you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first" - Unknown ( Reminds me of the days when me n my friends used to go straight to the mess from the bed)

"Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation" - Unknown

:)

Home

So yesterday, I was feeling nostalgic about my dorm room 328 and was thinking about how I if I were to call any place as "my home" that I would pick Room no. 328, Sharavati Hostel, IIT Madras, Chennai - 600036.

Ironically, I had a dream last night making me doubt that. Well the dream is really short. I was in the kitchen of my parent's place in Hyderabad reaching out for the jars above which had cashew nuts and peanuts in it.

All I can say is my parent's place had a point to make and it made it through the dream.

Addictions

So I came across this weekly horoscope in a magazine and it was interestingly put. So this is what it had to say for me (Aries):

"Success coach Tom Ferry says our ability to pursue our dreams can be damaged by four addictions: 1. an addiction to what other people think of us; 2. an addiction to creating melodrama in a misguided quest for excitement; 3. an addiction to believing we're imprisoned by what happened in the past; 4. an addiction to negative thoughts that fill us with anxiety. The good news, Aries, is that in the coming weeks you will find it easier than usual to free yourself from addictions 1, 3, and 4. On the other hand, you may be extra susceptible to addiction 2. So take action to make sure you don't fall victim to it! What can you do to avoid distracting adventures and trivial brouhahas?"

I don't think I have a problem with 1 and 3. 4 on some special occasion :P. Usually I am not bothered by 2 at all. But these days I seem to be doing it. I mean creating melodrama in my head, not on the outside though. Also how would one know if the quest for excitement is misguided until it ends badly? Even if it ends badly, could it be that its not misguided?

Am I Awake?

So thats the question one apparently got to ask oneself all the time. Well if I did that I could potentially be increasing my productivity but I could also be ruining one of my favorite routines of day dreaming. Before you become all judgmental, here's what some random site has to say about day dreaming:

"While daydreaming has long been derided as a lazy, non-productive pastime, daydreaming can be constructive in some contexts. There are numerous examples of people in creative or artistic careers, such as composers, novelists, and filmmakers, developing new ideas through daydreaming. Similarly, research scientists, mathematicians, and physicists have developed new ideas by daydreaming about their subject areas."

Who am I kidding? I know I don't day dream about my subject! Anyways, moving on...

So came across this interesting concept called "Lucid dreaming" today. Its when the person is aware that he/she is dreaming. Seems counter intuitive but apparently has got some advantages and you can actually 'learn' how to lucid dream. I think its a useful skill to develop for most of the times my dreams are too close to reality (missing deadlines, not being able to wake up on time for examinations and the like) and they scare the shit out me.

Too tired.

Random thoughts of the day:

1.http://lifehacker.com/5441045/sleep-cycle-analyzes-your-sleep-patterns-for-a-better-wake+up Crazy!!

2.iMac !!! Quadcore!!!Badass!!! Thats my machine.

3.cooked stuffed brinjal for the first time. I liked it .

This crazy girl over here

enough said.

The day I disabled Google Buzz

Today I finally disabled Google Buzz. Why? Coz I read the following conversation on it.

A: crashing
B: what happened?
A: Tried to sleep but could not.

I felt stupid for reading that conversation and I had done that just because Google Buzz said 3 unread messages. Anyways got rid of the idiotic thing now. I guess I could be much more productive if I deleted my facebook account. But I guess I should start off experimenting with it. Like not using facebook during the week etc etc.

Anyways, back to the ever existent homework.

blah

I am inspired by movies as much as I am inspired by real life people. I always fantasize biking to work just like Meg Ryan did in the movie "City of Angels". I do not like the movie but just watched it for Meg Ryan and I liked the idea of biking to work so much that right now I am actually considering to a place further away campus so that i can bike to school. Yeah I'm slisha crazy :P.

Backhand Smash

Today is the first time I saw a backhand smash. First I felt as if i imagined stuff. How can one play the backhand smash. Amazing !!!! Taufik Hidayat of Malaysia. He does it. Over and over again. Back hand cross court or a straight court smash. I have no words for the shot he executes so well. Just seems impossible to me.