Clarity

A single moment can bring so much clarity and the clarification of thought seems contagious. Clarity in one aspect seems to bring clarity in the rest.

I had the option of giving in. It was wrong for me. I realized. The realization liberated me, for the moment at least.

That's a good number

Sisi :  Enjoy the time that you got. You can do whatever you want with your time.
Me :   But I have always had all the time I wanted.
Sisi :  You are a grown up now. Its different.

Just a few days, I told a friend that I was truly happy. How happy am I?  Well, I am not really sure. I seem to be pretty happy for lets say 80 percent of my time. Now that is a pretty good percentage I should say. 

Again, isn't  happiness just a perception?

Russian followers

My blogpost stats suggest that I have a wide audience from Russia and Canada and none from India. Given that only a select few friends know about the existence of this blog and I don't write about anything of relevance to the general public, blogspot stats are spurious.

One year of madness

enough said.

Now we are free

If at this particular moment my life were to have a background score, it would be this song. I didn't even know it before Pandora played it and I got the feeling of ecstasy that you get if  you were to attending an recital in an auditorium.

Which way home?

If only the answer were simple.

Cheer up ! The worst is yet to come.

A quote from somebody named Philander Johnson. Well all I can say right now is bring it on! Life is a shit hole right now. Don't know how much more shittier it can get. Actually I don't care how much more shittier it gets. I've reached the saturation point. At this point of endurance all I can say is bring it on. At this point I am gonna take it all.

Hyderabad Nostalgia

A picture of the Tankbund and the Buddha statue triggered nostalgia which brought me to tears. I don't have a clue why but I miss it sorely.
I miss Osmania campus where I spent most of my childhood. We were living inside the campus forest from my kindergarten till ninth grade. There are so many wonderful memories of that place. The temple near the Arts college, the secret  berry trees deep inside the forest, the little pots we made out of earthworm shit, the fire we made everyday in the winter, the games we played every evening, the howls we let out during the power cuts, the training that I got in cricket, lalithamma and her daughters, biking around, my rock en route to Tagore auditorium. So many memories of the place.

And once I became old enough to go around on my own, Tank bund, the cinema theatres, Hyderabad central, Shankarmutt. Going to the sunday second hand book sale in Koti with my father. I miss Hyderabad. My home.

"You are repeating yourself"

You are repeating yourself. You are repeating yourself. Say that to yourself when you are in a dark place. or have someone say that to you and keep repeating it yourself.

Don't do that. It hurts.

My sister turns 29

and it makes me think how far she has come.  I am really happy for her.  She has built a life for herself without making much noise. She married the guy that she loves. For many it might seem a no big deal. Coming from an orthodox background as ours, it is a big deal. Especially when my family least expected any sort of surprises from my sister. She has a son, Rithvik, who is almost 2 months old. She is back to working at HP.  She is one of the most genuinely nice people that I know. (there aren't many I know and I wouldn't give even my mom that tag). We are as different as siblings can ever get. I do not agree with her on most issues but I love her nonetheless.
Cheers to my sister and to her silent ways of doing things!

Can it get anymore relevant?

Emancipator : Artist
With Rainy Eyes : Song
Soon It Will Be Cold Enough : Album

Oops I did it again!

I have these phases when I just sleep. No I'm not depressed when I do that. I just do that. I continue sleeping and I don't do anything the entire day. I can sleep for more than 24 hours. Unless something forces me to get out of bed, I can go on for up to 48 hours. And that something has to be some commitment that I made to someone else.

Every time I do something like that I say to myself, I won't repeat that and yet I keep doing that once in a while. I did it again yesterday. This time I did not turn in a homework, cancelled a dinner with a couple of friends and did not check my mail in time to go for badminton practice. What was I doing? Sleeping most of the time. Eating bagels all day long. Reading Ramayana the little time that I was awake. Yeah you read it right, reading The Ramayana. These days I seem to enjoy reading it very much. If sleeping all day long is senseless, reading the Ramayana adds to the comedy that's my life. When all of this comes back to bite me, I bet its going to be very painful.

Nike Women's Marathon 2011

So here goes the story. It goes way back to 2010 when me and my friend Sisi drove a common friend Mary to SF for NWM 2010. It was a memorable experience. When we were waiting for Mary at the finis line we heard stories from women who finished the marathon. Some in pain. Whom am I kidding most of them in pain but all of them ecstatic to have done it.

October 15th 2011.
I get to sleep on Akshay's couch on the night before the race. He lives on 6th and the Mission (close to the starting point of the race). He literally lives on the 6th and the Mission. If you were to jump from his window, you would be ON the 6th and the Mission. I decided to park my car near his place and walk to the Union square to pick up my race packet. Bad decision. My phone's GPS asked me walk on the Leavenworth street. I did. There were junkies, hookers, homeless people who won't stop staring at you, people who would cat call. I did what I used to do when I was 10 and had to walk from the bus stop to my home on a road filled with monkeys. Say a prayer and keep my head straight, not let the fear that I felt inside reflect on my face and be prepared to run if I had to.
Apart from that, everything else was fun. Akshay and I had dinner at Naan 'n' Curry. The best Naan I have had outside Delhi. The Bhindi masala was a well of oil. Guess he thought I needed to get 'fueled' up for my race. Literally. I slept quite soundly. The few times I woke up to drink some water, I could hear people arguing down on the street. As Akshay told me earlier, it does indeed get noisy in the night.

October 16th
Akshay dropped me midway to the start of the race. I walked up a few blocks and before I could line myself up at the start of a faster pace group, I found myself running to the start line and thus began the race. I did not have my head phones this time. I could listen to what people's conversations, most of which I found utterly boring.
Mile 1 :
I was dodging people
Mile 2:
I was dodging people
Mile 3 :
I was dodging people.
There was a church choir cheering the runners.
Mile 4:
The t shirt comes off.
High school cheer leaders were cheering us on.
I was dodging people.
Mile 5:
A group of drummers keeping up the beat.
I was dodging people.
Mile 6:
Here come the hills. I hear shouts of "I love hills".
I was dodging people.
Mile 7 :
I have water.
Had to run away from the conversation of two middle aged women.
I was dodging people.
Mile 8 :
Beautiful views of the ocean.
Running by myself feels amazing.
Mile 9 - 12 :
I thought at the start of the race that I would think about what has been plaguing me for an year now. I don't. All along the race I don't. I just run. I don't think of anything else but running. What a waste :P
Mile 13 :
I carefully increase my speed. I see a lady running in pain. running.
Last 0.1 mile :
I sprint.
and its done.
No great feelings of ecstasy. I just did it in 2:05:12.
My first half marathon.

Guilty Pleasure

Two years of life at Stanford and I just realized something. I was thinking about my upcoming weekends.
Oct 15th -16th - Nike Half Marathon
Oct 22nd -23rd- Sisi's visit
Oct 28th -30th - Chicago visit for the get together with wing mates

All these make me feel guilty. I feel I don't deserve them. I never used to feel this way back in the IIT days. Is it part of growing up or is it the US or is it just Stanford? Well I dunno. Whatever is the reason, I am gonna try and keep the guilt at bay.

Why should you be single?

I need to be somewhere for coffee, I'll tell you later.

Palo Alto Moonlight run 2011

10K : 52:46.97 (PR : 48:18) . But that's not what the race was about. I had never run after 8:00 PM before. It was almost full moon. It was in the Palo Alto bay lands. It was lightening continuously. Reminded me of the Indian monsoons. I was talking to people on my run at times. I was never in pain during the run. I was hoping it would rain for I never ran in the rain before. I am not crazy enough (yet!) to do a practice run in the rain. Well, it did rain in the last 0.5 miles. It was exhilarating. Anyways, if I am here the next year, I need to do it again.

What I talk about when I talk about running

That's the title of the book by Haruki Murakami I bought last weekend on my way back from Portland. Bad Decision I must say. One of the worst spent $14 on a book. A trashy magazine would have been a good buy. I've read better blogs. Saad Bhamla's running experiences and Arvind's blog about his first marathon are much more entertaining and they don't even consider themselves as writers.
What is my problem with his book? His thoughts. Thoughts which are mundane (which is fine with me) but he makes them sound as if they are profound and relates them somehow to running. I would have been more happy had it been more about running.
What is good about the book? The forward. It sells the book. Atleast it sold the book to me. Suffering is optional it says (yeah very profound!). Actually I bought the book after reading these sentences "Suffering is optional. Say you're running and you start to think , Man this hurts and I can't take it anymore. The hurt part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand any more is up to the runner himself (the feminist side of me should have noticed this earlier). This pretty much sums up the most important aspect of marathon running." I liked it and bought the book expecting to get more gyaan of this form. Did not happen.

Conclusion: You have to choose between this book and a trashy magazine to pass 2 hours of flight time. I'd pick the trashy magazine. At least I know it's trashy beforehand.

Bay Vista Run 2011

48: 18.2 . My 10K timing. Thanks to Mary Alice Cameroon.
Dad was there.

Will you die for me?

Yes.
It sounds cliche and it is cliched but there are a few people whom I would die for. Not just one but a few. I am glad I have them and I do not expect them to do the same for me. I am glad just to be able to love them so much.

Update

Moving out of my "oh so convenient" university housing into "oh so far" house in portola valley. Its a nice beautiful house but my feelings towards it keep changing every other second. My hobo experience and all will follow in another blog but for now this blog is supposed to keep track of my, what I think of as, productive ideas.

1. I wanted to keep an online journal for just research ideas. I am yet to find something custom made for it. Will my summer class help me create one of my own?

2. D school workshops. ( I almost forgot this within say 5 min of thinking about it. No wonder I need to this). Registered for a fun one on July 8th. Came across the concepts of open prototyping and closed prototyping. Thought they were pretty cool (although I think people have been doing that forever now without knowing the concepts). I think I need to do something like the closed prototyping for my CADS project.
http://dschool.stanford.edu/2011/02/28/open-vs-closed-prototypes/

3. Work for free and get a chance to learn.

Lot of crap going on. Just need to be excited.

Wristcutters

I love this movie. I absolutely love this movie. None of the characters ever laugh in the movie. Smiling is banned in the land.
The entire family being there. The elder brother slapping the younger one when he first attempts a suicide.
The Russian - committing a suicide on stage!
so you learn the only way to go is through the roof.
What do you mean "what were you thinking when the incident happened?" Ans: Exactly that.
so far amazing.
but need to sleep its too late.

Why is documentation important?

Because its fun a long time after if not right away. Want proof?

16th October 2008 ...

3.37 A.M
me listening to Nickel back's saving me....
Neeharika is cleaning the corridor using a mop
coz she washed her undies in a bucket
just outside her room. and i find it really amusing..
wanted to take a pic .but no
batteries in the cam.
i am sure i am gonna miss these times.

5.15 A.M

guest to my room .... a lizard.... its a bit dark...
moderate size....
first thought would send it out unceremoniously
using a broom .....
but then decided to share my room with it.


5.40 A.M
my new room mate is really fast....it already has a
visitor and am
presuming it is its mate.... the first it corresponds
 to the visitor
and the second it to the lizard..... anyways i am skeptical
about whats gonna
happen in the future ...am gonna be out
 numbered by the lizards...
there will be eggs ..new lizards....
anyways now there are 3 of us in the room...
me , my new room mate and its mate.

I was searching for some documents in my inbox and came across this one. :)

The Cause and the Cure

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/17/science/17optics.html?ref=technology

The Murder of the person, who had to be just killed.

Okay, so the world hails the death of Bin Laden. We go on about how cool the Navy Seals are and so on. But seriously.....

That is how I started my post when I first saw the news article in The Hindu, when the honorable home minister, P.Chidambaram iterated the fact that Dawood Ibrahim is in Karachi, Pakistan. He was urging the international community to bring Pakistan to hand him over to India. That article truly enraged me. I never had such strong reaction to a political news in the recent times. Here we are hailing Obama, Navy Seals and all those responsible for killing Osama but after days of thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that what they have done is WRONG. Yes, I am saying that killing Osama, the way they have done is wrong. To make myself clear, I am not saying killing Osama is wrong. I don't mind killing him unarmed, shooting him in the head. I am cool with even torturing him to death in the worst possible manner. I think Dawood Ibrahim ought to be killed. As much as Osama deserved to be killed. But could we just go into Pakistan and launch an operation in Karachi to kill him? Of course not. Why could the US do it? If the explanation is that its the only way we could have caught him, well wouldn't the world be in chaos if every country did that to its 'top military enemies'?

Anyways, before I came across the article I had no opinion about the killing of Osama. Now I do. Every country got to abide by the international laws. Yeah, even the US. Even if its Osama in question.

Human

Human by Killers.
I listened to this song before but when it played on Pandora today morning, it blew my mind. The interpretation of the lyrics is mood based and then I felt euphoric. I am listening to it right now and it brings tears to my eyes.
Here's an interpretation I found on the net:

I did my best to notice, when the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender, I was brought but I was kind
-i think hes describing an epifany that he got when he was contemplating the world and life in general

And sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart... and cut the cord
-this is something that as humans we all feel when we start a new stage in our life and hes just saying dive in! dont be a dancer...

Are we human, or are we dancer
-when we were created (not evolutionized, hes mormon) God made us with a freewill, dancers dont really have a free will, we follow our choreographers steps and wear what they tell us to wear and even make ourselves look like what they want us to look like, our only purpose is to perform, thats what the human race has turned into, everyone has become dancers

My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human, or are we dancer
-hes describing the desperation and the heart ache realizing what we have become

Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance, they always did the best they could
-these are things we are taught in our youth, these things are supposed to help us when we grow up and i'm thinking hes saying you need more than that to make it

And so long to devotion you taught me everything I know
Wave good bye, wish me well, you gotta let me go
-devotion is dedication or attachment to something or someone, pretty much love, hes learned alot from love, but hes going to let go of all those things hes listed

Will your system be alright?
When you dream of home tonight
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?
-i think hes talking about when youve gotten so far that it about kills you to look back at your youth and what you used to be

Are we human, or are we dancer
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer...
You've gotta let me know

Are we human, or are we dancer
My sign is vital my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human... or are we dancer

Are we human, or are we dancer
Are we human, or are we dancer

Eat Pray Love. Seriously!

Okay, So I am watching the movie. I can see some of my friends taunting me for that. I am prejudiced to not like the movie and find faults with it and here I go. On the thanks giving dinner Julia Robert says she is grateful to be a part of the lives of wonderful people and says she is the luckiest girl in the world. At this point I lose it and decide I need to write about it. Self pity all the way. She complains earlier that she woke up in the morning and found no spark and that she fears living that way all her life. I must have lost it at that point too. Seriously! How many of us wake up and feel a spark. Most of the days I wake up and say "Shit! I don't wanna wake up" . Well it's a whole another story that I don't wake up most of the days when I have to but lets get into that later. But yeah the day just gets better and if it doesn't, I try. If it still doesn't well the law of conservation of emotions has its way of getting me out of the trough. I'd say deal with it. I completely go with her friend's advice which is to wade through the murky waters than take off. Actually I wouldn't mind taking off so much. Taking off with a baggage of self pity! Again seriously!

I am gonna go ahead and see what happens next.

I fell asleep at some point that I don't remember and decide not to go back and watch the ending. Watch Eat Pray Love and Sleep.

Birthday 2011

Getting pampered by sister and bro-in-law.
The icecream cake.
The call from my not so fat friends. Couldn't have laughed harder.
Harshi buys the tickets and stuff to go to Chennai but packs the idea just because the train was at 8:00 AM and she just wanted to sleep a little bit longer. I miss her. Actually I miss being around her.
Suryatej called as usual bang on time.
Sisi celebrated my birthday in style.
Candess flipped out. Not my problem.
Driving with some good music on.
Cooking for my sister.
A fireplace. Some work to do. Coffee in hand. Good music in the background. Perfect.
:) I am 24 and I feel good.

Enroute

On the way to being a loner.
I enjoy being alone to the point that now sometimes I feel suffocated if I have too much company.
The prospect of company is a bit frightening.
I can't decide if its a good or a bad thing.
Moderation seems to be the answer to every question I ask myself.

Dhobi Ghat

Long over due and done.
I wouldn't have enjoyed the movie had I seen it with anybody else. Watching it alone makes perfect sense (to me at least).
What do I think about the movie? To me its a movie about obsession. Not about Bombay. Not about the immigrant issue. To me its purely about obsession with people. To me the movie wouldn't have changed much if it were in Chennai or SF. I have not seen a better ending in recent times. I am in fact love with the ending. Its powerful. The ending makes me feel as if the entire movie had to be there to build up the ending and that it couldn't have been given justice had the entire story not been narrated. The story builds up the obsession for each one of the lead characters and how it ends (?) for each one of them. For Munna, it ends with liberation. For Arun, it meets a tragic end. For Shai, well it continues because she chooses it to.
The director puts in subtle things into the movie without letting them distract the viewer from the main plot. The booty calls made by Munna to the rich fat woman, Arun's affair with his art manager, dignity of labor well respected by Shai are what come to my mind when I think of them.
Anyways, a good movie after a long time. Makes me think I should have blogged about the earlier movies. Talking about movies, Cat People, to put it subtly, one of its kind! and Talking about one of its kind kind of movies, Being John Malkovich - Whoa.
Dhobhi Ghat - 5 stars.

The first days of spring

Bing says today is the first day of the spring.
India won its match against the West Indies.
The US and the allies bomb Libya. More People are dead.
Japan still suffers from the aftermath of the Earthquake and Tsunami. More people at risk from radiation.
My sister decides to have a baby anyways.
I continue to postpone my work.
Very soon, I will be 23 no more.